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Nov. 23rd, 2003 05:57 am i just have 2

i just have 2 breathe
2 write
all those things that would be good
in a book or a movie
i just have 2 write

Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: the doors: lamerica

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May. 16th, 2003 12:02 am my my...

what to say to a world that's not listening...
i've got a million things on my mind
and yet nothing to say
i read these words and ive seen them before
in my own books,
ive been repeating the same things over and over again
each time i say it like its the first
its just like my fucking period
each time it starts it hurts like the first time
and all i want to do is lie in my fucking bed
but no, i have to go to work or somewhere, do something or someone
im so fucking tired but i still want to go out
i shouldn't spend money i dont have and
do drugs i shouldnt do
oh well.
thats me.

Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: bjork:themostbeautifulsongever

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Apr. 12th, 2003 06:05 am so

so here i am writing in my LJ again... its been so long.
my friend Jenet said she reads this, and i should write in here more often, so i'll try.
i saw an episode of Queer as Folk, and they played a version of a Bjork song i hadnt heard before.
today Allison and her cute friend Carla stopped by the shop and invited me to a party.
i went, but it sucked, so we left and i ended up alone with Carla at her house(how DO these things happen)
i hated her music (she made me listen to ricky martin)
so i asked if she had Bjork, and she had a cd i hadnt seen before,
and what do you know! it had that song from Queer as Folk i had been looking for:)
she let me borrow it and im listening to it now.
i'll put some of these oh-so-happy-songs on a mix for Jodi, since her cousin committed suicide a couple weeks ago.
on top of that, my boss's uncle died a couple days ago, and a couple days before that i found out an old friend has a brain tumor, and a couple weeks before that, we bombed Iraq... a couple decades before that, i was born, and so was Jesus, a couple millenniums before...and what does this all lead up to?
one big humiliating NOTHING
i cant even cry anymore
i'm too fucking dumb and numb
too stunned to believe
what's going on around me
i hate where i live, who i am
i keep thinking i'll be fine when i'm somewhere else
but is that true?
i'll still be me, wherever i may be
and suddenly that thought seems comforting

Current Mood: Funky and Wired

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Dec. 6th, 2002 09:51 am well

this has been THE longest nite of my fucking life.
I dont even know if it's worth remembering...
i went to a bar with Jodi, then to another bar, then another bar, and finally to some guy's house until now,
10:00 in the morning...
the only thing im proud of is how well i played guitar tonite...
i think im over my stage-fright

Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: tool~pushit

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Nov. 27th, 2002 03:23 am hmmm

"nothing pisses me off" I say
"*You* piss you off" the voice replies
and it's right
i dont know where its from,
it just comes like a song in
the middle of the nite
i dreamt of death today
i was searching for 8 people whose names i had
on a list
we all met in a bright white room and i
told them to come see what heaven is like
i said they could come back, but they probably wouldn't want to...
all this happened after we were
individually chased by something(like people)
i remember thinking i would never find them
but i did when i escaped *my* enemies
and finally made it to the room...
all the while i kept feeling like i couldn't breathe,
and i awoke to find that i couldn't!
i was suddenly sick and filled with phlegm
i wonder if the same thing happened to them...

Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: TOOL-LIVE

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Nov. 10th, 2002 04:27 am AHHHHH....

will she stay or will she go,
only the lord knows...
I felt something tonite
it made me want to write
I FELT her! I felt something...
I've kissed more people than I can remember...
but I KISSED her...
i was anxious and nervous and unsure of myself
till she forced me to BE myself- GOD she is beautiful
GOD she is young
i still feel her lingering
like a dream

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Jul. 26th, 2002 01:18 am FUCK THIS

shit. fuck this shit all to hell
everything seems so fucked and unreal.
i know im not the only one who sees things getting worse and worse right before our fucking eyes.
the news has NOTHING good to say. besides the war, all these little kids are getting kidnapped and killed, AND there's a fucking RAPIST in my neighborhood.
3 girls i work with live on a corner 5 blocks from my house, and this morning a girl next door to them was raped by this fucker.
it could have so easily been one of them, and it still may be...
hell it may even be me since this IS my fucking neighborhood.
i've never felt so unsafe and so unstable. im afraid to walk outside at night...god i feel like shit.
on top of that, i saw a guy who messed around with my friend a little while ago.
i found out that he has HIV/AIDS, and now i have to ask my friend if he slept with him, bc if he DID, he needs to get tested for AIDS. unfortunately, my friend probably wont remember this guy bc he's been with a number of guys since then.
i dont even know how to tell him...how do u tell someone they hooked up with a guy with AIDS?
FUCK!!! so you see, on top of worrying about my OWN safety,
im worried about my best friend's life
im always telling him he needs to be careful about who he sleeps with, and im so angry with him right now. i know after i tell him, the LAST thing he'll want to hear is me bitching at him, but...i see NO alternative.
i HAVE to remind him of what he could do to himself and other people...he sleeps around so much, if he DOES have AIDS he's already given it to 2 of my other friends and a number of other people.
GOD he pisses me off so much!
he's become the kind of gay guy that gives other gays a bad name...
the kind of gay guy the christians point their fingers at, especially when they talk about AIDS.
does he WANT to be a statistic? another faggot with AIDS?
does he want to use his dick, or die?
does he want to die bc he used his dick? if he truly loves his dick, he'd take better care of it and not let just ANYONE use it.
sometimes it seems like he'll hook up with a guy just bc that guy's gay and has a dick.
there's LOTS of gay guys with dicks, and he is SO fucking hot he could have anyone...and he does (sometimes) have anyone...
i fucking worry. im like the big lesbian mother who's always worried about people's relationships and shit.
sometimes i feel like i dont worry enough about myself and *my* relationships, or the fact that i havent had a relationship in over 2 years...anyway
i have no good news (just like the news on tv)
im fucked and tired of talking about this

Current Mood: FUCKED
Current Music: System of a DOWN

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Jul. 13th, 2002 03:12 am ahhh

fuck this
im done
i cant leave, so there
MUST be something ELSE for me to do here
but i dont know what yet
for ONCE i pray GOD will give me the signs i
in this journey, or should i say,
i was WELL on my way (as they say)
but im not done playing, i guess
in other words...
i have the money
money's no object
and money (i realize) is the
LEAST of my problems
STRENGTH is my weakness
what a world i live in where
strength is my weakness

Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: faithless:why go

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Jun. 29th, 2002 03:31 am jesus christ

you KNOW what the future holds for you there!
don't be a fool!
fools do the same things over and over again!
im dying
and i feel things slipping away from me
2 MONTHS i've got before i move to california!
how fast did the last 2 months pass?
i can barely taste reality
but it's on the TIP of my tongue

Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: faithless:killer's lullaby

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Jun. 7th, 2002 05:05 am i'm sorry

im sorry i havent been writing as much as i should...
ive been-occupied...
with lies of course
what the hell else?
i feel like killing someone
i would, y'know,
if it came down to
me or them
you or me or
been having strange dreams lately
crawling up walls like spiderman
with weird webs coming out of my hands
but i fly like superman
without a costume- free from

Current Mood: FUNKY
Current Music: faithless: machines r' us

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