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Jun. 18th, 2007 01:56 am holy shit

holy shit
I'm totally fucked
when she asked
it seemed abrupt
i'm in denial
while i'm on trial
and now i wait
and now i hate
that this is fate
i can't be late
it's fucking fake
i am awake

Current Music: Nothing at all

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Jun. 18th, 2007 01:36 am

I'll throw u in a ditch
u little fucking bitch
don't fucking try me
i'm way beyond crying
the little things kill
while the big things slide
and all that's left
is preaching and pride
i'll suck your dick for a
line or two
in case you didn't know
that's actually true
now I wonder 
where this whole thing is going
i guess it ends 
with my big pussy moaning
if you want it
you come and get it
just be prepared
for bile and shit
I'm not angry
I'm just pissed
and as of now
I'm over it

Current Location: Ohio
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
Current Music: Silence

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Jan. 6th, 2006 12:59 am just give it up

why do i bother?
i should just GIVE UP
but i can't
or won't
or whatever
parts of me are ready to move on
parts of me just wont let go
even tho they know there's NOTHING to hold onto
which will i regret more
letting go and being free
or hanging on and being ME
its simple really
the inevitability
the availability of possibilities
the endless possibilities...
its all so minute and trivial
i'm stuck in a stupid cycle
of my own doing
how to undo what ive done
i think the fun has begun...

Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: tori amos

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Oct. 28th, 2005 05:27 pm yikes...

am i crazy or what?
yesterday i tried to print out the entry i wrote but i ended up printing out my ENTIRE journal!
i was at work and i'm glad i got to the printer before anyone else did or i might be in some trouble...
the last thing i need is for some 80 year old to read about my drug binges and sexual escapades.
anyway, i'm hanging out with 'the girl' tonite and i'm nervous.
i'm afraid to drink bc i might say or do something i shouldn't.
i'm afraid to not drink bc i might stay in this foul mood.
i don't know why i'm so fucked up about this.
we were dating not so long ago and then we kinda cheated on each other and now we're closer than before but without the intimacy.
last week she pulled me on top of her and just held me and played in my hair.
i didnt know if i should kiss her or what so i just held her and
we stayed like that for the rest of the night.
i know it sounds like she still wants me but sometimes she says things like
"i love being single!" and i think i should leave her alone.
but maybe being alone is her problem.
maybe she just needs to be comforted.
i dunno.
one time she said i was the best thing in her life.
is that a good thing or a bad one?
who knows if she meant it but i didnt make her say that
and i certainly didnt say it back even tho it's true.
i've been playing my guitar alot more since i moved.
i live in a school building for artist/photographers/musicians.
i like it, but everything's kind of fucked up there.
'the girl' lives there along with her ex-boyfriend and his other ex-girlfriend who used to live with 'the girl' and yadda yadda.
it's a fucking mess but it's where i need to be for now.
if i could fix my money situation and stop drinking so damn much
i might be alright.
i gotta go.
wish me luck tonite.
i have a feeling i'm gonna need it.

Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: SILENCIO!

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Oct. 27th, 2005 07:58 pm well...

what does it mean to be in love?
is it the feeling that something's missing when she's gone?
or the insanity in my head when she's around?
what about the dreams where she says nothing and all i see is her face?
when she holds me i listen to her breath and her heartbeat and wish
i could do it all day
i hate this feeling
i'm just begging for pain
i don't deserve her and she doesn't deserve me
why is this happening? when will i be free of
her eyes and her addictive smile?
i know it's going to be awhile
i want to tell her i can't be around her, but
then i'd have to say why
she knows how i feel, she just doesn't know how much
for my own sake i should tell her and be free of this ache,
and this fog in my head
that way i could move forward
with or without her
either way is better than not moving at all
ANYTHING is better than this mental rock wall
this emotional standstill WILL KILL me if i run
i have to be strong and do what needs to be done
i'm afraid to lose her because sometimes she needs me
i can't abandon her but i can't keep on lying
and hiding my real face which is
falling off anyway
she's bound to find out one day so
why not today?

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: some live jazz at the museum

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Jul. 10th, 2005 10:37 pm do you know?

do you know whats worse than not writing?
writing and not finishing.
it's almost as good as writing
you feel like you've said things you wanted to
and u feel a little better
till u realize u didnt finish
before you turned your computer off
and u say "oh shit! i just erased it all."
and its like it never happened
i need a new fucking life
i'm sick of the old one and it shows
i'm not as nice to some people
and i'm more nice to others
what's the fuck's going on?
my mind is trying to free itself
and i'm the only thing stopping it
i feel the need to drop all my old friends
i feel like they hold me back
but maybe they don't.
maybe they see me as the person i can be
but i hold back so they wont think i've changed
and there's constant friction
i realize they aren't the problem at all
they're the solution
i have to see myself through their eyes
i've been thinking about trying Datura
or Jimson Weed as some call it
she is a Queen of Hallucinogenics


Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: Zap Mama

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Jun. 27th, 2005 12:34 am fuck

Yikes! it's been a while since i've written. thank god it hasn't been a year or something...
i took the weekend off so i could go to columbus' cummunity festival (comfest) and our gay pride parade
we got to see the band Betty from the L word for FREE
and drink lots of beer
and see LOTS of titties
i saw someone who's name shall NOT be mentioned
and i wrote a rather revealing journal entry in my other book
about HER
and i realized
I'm either completely insane or
totally in love
but i digress...
i've had such an amazing weekend
and now its back to the daily grind
to that state of mind that kills my soul
if it werent for marijuana and Zap Mama
i'd be dead right now
let's just hope those 2 can
get me through to
because it's ALL about
that's one of many things revealed in my other journal
which i'm considering writing in here
just to have all my thoughts in one place
and while i HATE to interrupt HIM
during HIS busy day
tonite i ask GOD
"What The Fuck Should I DO?!?!"
she has another lover
and my pride won't allow me to accept it
*I* want HER
but *I'VE* had my chance for the last few years
and i've done Nothing
i'm my own favorite fool
and now i think SHE'S given me another chance
she said her lover was leaving and
maybe we should 'hang out'
and i ask GOD
"What The Fuck Would You Do?!?!"
acting on this will hurt someone else
but holding this in will KILL me



Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Zap Mama- Mizike

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May. 10th, 2005 02:14 am Write...

i keep telling myself to write
even if there's nothing to say
there's always something to write
to tell the truth, i have another journal.
that's why i don't write here often.
sort of.
i don't write in that journal either.
just a little more than i write here.
i'm afraid i'll grow and forget the things
that happen if i don't write them down.
everyday is a mystery.
why would i want to forget that?

Current Mood: creativecreative
Current Music: Bjork-Submarine

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May. 8th, 2005 06:25 pm Just One Bump...and she writes again

thank god.
i had a strange dream last nite.
i was staying with aletheia and this black couple i was deathly afraid of.
the woman wouldn't speak to me, and the man was a drug dealer with alot of friends.
i hated staying there, and kept wondering why aletheia would want to live with them
until one day they said they were all going to spend the night somewhere else.
i was happy about that, and after they left i went straight to the man's dresser and found
a HUGE bag of cocaine!
i was happy about THAT, and i did some. just a bump, one tiny little bump, and i started
walking around feeling really fucked up and
suddenly they all came back home and wondered what was going on.
aletheia asked me what was wrong, and i avoided her.
somehow, the guy got me into a big bathroom and asked me to empty all my pockets.
as i did, i said "this is yours" and gave him the drugs. he said he was looking for that.
i said "i only did a bump. just one bump."
he weighed it ,and although he believed me, he proceeded to bitch me out
for not appreciating all he'd done to get his wife to allow me to stay there.
i apologized profusely and left.
i kept thinking i would be 2 hours late for work
because my clock was messed up and i decided
flying was the fastest way there.
as i floated away from the house
i came to a field completely covered in people-
and they were all wearing white.
i assumed they were Muslims based on their headware and the way they were praying.
they were everywhere! i kept spinning in circles and jumping and spinning
for way too long, until i realized something wasn't right
and i floated over the masses and
saw them all praying and moving and thinking about
something otherworldly. something old yet new
that communicates with few
and suddenly i woke up.
i heard my fan turn back on and realized
my electricity was off, which means my clock was off
which means i WAS going to be late to work because
my clock WAS fucked up.
what the fuck

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Martina Topely-Bird & Tricky-Poems

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Dec. 14th, 2004 04:03 am

wow. this is my first entry in a VERY long time. unfortunately my keyboard doesnt work so well...and neither do i...
i am listening to the new bjork cd, searching for something- i might have found it in song number 3...
to all u live-journalists out there, including fringegrouplady, i must say i have SERIOUSLY swayed from my mission. i've forgotten who i am, who i was, and who i wanted to be. but i guess i'm remembering.
my dreams come more times than they're welcome, and lately i remember everything. my guitar teacher and my major crush knew the guys who got killed during the pantera/damageplan show. my crush was supposed to work there that night, but fate happened and she didnt go, thank god or whatever. either way they're all very sad and it reminds me of ME not so long ago when i was sad about all the people i knew who died. but that's another story for a much more interested person which is not u. do u want to hear about the hot russian girl i kissed, or the insanely lucid dream i had last nite? or do u want to hear about my good fucking day? ok,i had a good day. really.

Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: Bjork-New (not sure what it's called)

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